Every day we are faced with a seemingly endless amount of responsibilities that demand attention — from taking care of household chores, to walking the dog, to responding to work emails. In our modern-day society, there never seems to be enough time in the day to simply exist. For someone with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), it only makes it that much harder to keep up with the many demands of life. Mundane, everyday tasks that might seem like second nature for most people, are all of sudden too much for me to bear as I try to fend off the burnout that lingers dormant somewhere in my body, ready to take over at any moment. At the same time, the dopamine rush I always keep chasing flickers out like a dying flame. This precarious, fragile balance of chemical highs and lows are what my therapist explained to me last year as I finally made an attempt to understand why my brain works the way it does.

ADHD in adults is something that is still poorly understood and warrants a lot more research. For women, the symptoms aren’t always obvious, especially if you mask these symptoms to try to fit in better, a “skill” I mastered unknowingly. When I first suspected I had ADHD last year at the age of 25, I went into an existential crisis, as I now associated my entire personality with being “broken” and “disordered”. However, there was a certain comfort in beginning to understand the underlying reason behind certain behavioral patterns. I now knew why it was almost physically painful to try to focus on anything for longer than 10 minutes, why I shut down in overstimulating environments, and why I randomly pick up and drop hobbies on the fly (which also probably explains why I neglected SolariaChip for over a year).

As isolating and anxiety-inducing as ADHD can be, over time I’ve begun to view things from a different perspective. Part of this reframing has involved deep-diving into research, using evidence to gain a deeper understanding as my career in science has wired me to do. A study completed last year in Norway surveyed 50 people with ADHD (whose participants were mostly women) to aid in their diagnoses and understand the positive implications of ADHD in an effort to improve treatments. The survey asked people to report on four main themes: (1) the dual impact of ADHD characteristics, (2) the unconventional mind, (3) the pursuit of new experiences, and (4) resilience and growth. As I read this study, I was reflecting on how these themes resonated in my own life and I made it a mental exercise to identify how my behaviors fit in. Similar to the participants in this study, I was noticing how even the negative impacts of ADHD could be seen as positive ones in certain situations. For example, theme (1) explores the paradoxical phenomena of many common ADHD traits, such as impulsivity. While this trait can be troublesome when trying to make well-thought out, practical decisions, it can also be seen as a willingness to get out of your comfort zone and experience personal growth in the midst of spontaneity.

The ways in which ADHD can affect someone’s life can be multifaceted. It can have implications on work, relationships, and the ways in which you perceive the world. As I continued to make sense of it, I realized that all the time spent wishing my brain could just be “normal” was not only fruitless, but self-destructive. The many months of self-doubting and feeling limited was finally taking a positive turn. With that said, I still struggle a lot of days, especially when my large to-do list calls for my fleeting attention. But I no longer linger on the negative aspects because of the creativity and intense passion for life I carry.

Now, if the things I have said in this post resonate and you think you might have ADHD, do not attempt to self-diagnose as it has the potential to be harmful. Seek out a professional if you are able, and take care of your mental health!